Rudolph Gets a Reality Check

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was tired of being exploited for his red nose. It had gotten so bad that the Arctic Nose Centre had sent him a notice asking him to surrender his red nose as he was robbing jobs of hard working reindeers.

Rudolph was aware of this criticism he faced from his people. He lived in Santa’s spacious stable with his family and travelled the world every winter. But being on the road was no easy task. Santa was warm to human beings but with reindeer he was a hard taskmaster.

Hundreds of reindeer were put through extreme torture just so that fat pampered humans could get their gifts within one night. Even in the 21st century Amazon cannot provide such a service but these reindeers had to.

Rudolph could see the plight in the eyes of his fellow reindeer. One evening he said to his wife, “Santa needs to be shown his place. He can’t work us reindeer like this. He’s enslaving us”

She hushed him with her hoof. “Don’t you go spouting this stuff about him again. You are his favourite reindeer. You are the only one he chooses even when he wants to buy groceries. He even pays for our daughter’s education so she can leave this cold Arctic hell and become the star attraction in a State run sanctuary.”

“Yes. But outside this wall there are my people suffering in the cold. I can’t sleep at night knowing that the only reason I am here and not with them is because of my red nose privilege.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You know… I dreamt of improving living conditions of reindeers. I would gather them into a Reindeer Labour Union and revolt against the cruel working conditions of Santa. I would be their hero. I even had slogans ready for our protest. Down with Christmas! Hail Hanukah!”

“Woah Woah! Hold it. You want to save the same people who one would ridicule you because of your red nose. Don’t you remember? Even now… Nevermind.”

“What? What about now? What were you going to say?”

“Don’t worry about it. It is nothing big.”

“Tell me then!”

“Okay! Okay! Don’t get mad… You are like a historic figure among reindeers and they show you respect, but behind your back the reindeer disown you and say you have nothing in common with them.”

“Nothing in common? I have reindeer fur, reindeer eyes, reindeer penis! What are they talking about?”

“Well the thing is… You haven’t done anything reindeer-y. They didn’t let you play their games and stuff, remember? And about a reindeer penis… well let’s not go there.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well your shiny red nose is kind of a disability. But don’t get me wrong it’s a cute disability like dimples, you know. But you can’t have both, a fancy nose and a standard size reindeer penis together.”

Rudolph sank onto a haystack and held his head in his hooves. “How is this my fault? How is any of this my fault?”

“Listen to me Ruddy.” His wife said lying down next to him, “You are right where you belong. Don’t let this get you down. Don’t be so attached to your reindeer heritage. You have achieved more than any of them ever could.”

“Don’t be attached? All I ever wanted was to be loved by my people. Till today I thought they accepted and respected me at least even if they didn’t love me yet. But they have disowned me.”

Rudolph burst into tears on his wife’s underbelly finally accepting his fate and understanding why his life was great just the way it was.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” his wife exclaimed. “Mind your horns dear they are poking me.” As Rudolph eased up she whispered in his ear. “You know what you could poke me with?”

“My below average reindeer penis?” he replied.

“You’re goddamn right!”


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