What the Fuck was That

Around the time he was in the middle of the last lecture and contemplating of what he would do after leaving the class, Rishabh had another growing problem. He had an inopportune boner which he wished would go away soon. ‘Think about lush green tress and blue skies.’ It will go he told himself. Just then the bell rang but he couldn’t stand up with that raging boner.

He sat copying down aimlessly what was written on the board. His friends came around and began to taunt his dedication. “Oho! Let’s not disturb him. He’s studying seriously. We’re going down for a cigarette come down whenever your studies are done.” They said as they walked away. The moment the boner receded Rishabh slammed his book shut and shoving the book inside his bag went out of the class.

He quickly ran down and managed to bump half a cigarette from a friend. Turns out he reached just in time for half the cigarette. He was happy for otherwise he would have had to buy another cigarette for himself. He loafed around till the sun got too harsh. That was at around 12 in the afternoon. He was already done with college and had killed time with his friends who had to go for class then.

He decided to go home since he had no classes to go to. He was doing his B.Com degree and had already dropped out of CA during that year, which meant the B.Com studies were not too much of a trouble to him. He didn’t require classes. He took the train and then waited another half an hour for a bus, because time was not a shortage when it came to him.

He instead liked waiting at bus stops listening to music and looking at people, some waiting and some rushing. It made him feel like he was the calm center of the universe. He had always liked Punk music, however he had just begun listening to Ramones. He didn’t consider them life-altering, no, that would have to be Nirvana.

However they were an important discovery. Especially since he had just begun hearing them, he would hear their songs on loop. That’s not much to say since he had about 4 songs of the Ramones to listen to. Of those he liked ‘I Wanna be Sedated’ and ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’.

He would do a little jig whenever he would listen to some songs along with some over-the-top air drumming. When he would see anyone passing by, who he thought would be aware of these songs, he would start singing the songs as well, but he failed to attract much attention.

There was one thing he would have to do once he got home. It had become a part of his daily routine now, jerking off to porn. He used to do it once or twice at different times in the day. He had heard you could die of a heart attack if you masturbated more than five times a day. He hadn’t quite tried it as yet. He infact hadn’t gotten past three, but the very thought of being found dead with your pants down clutching a flaccid penis seemed like a rather unfortunate but funny way to die and made him laugh.

However, there was a major difference since he had started watching porn it had opened up a whole world of observations for him. He would look at inconspicuous couples entering cheap motels and he knew what they were about to do. Before this he would have hardly paid them any attention, but now he knew. He could see the coy smiles they sometimes exchanged and he knew what it was about.

It however altered his reality. He would look at the laundry delivery guy and imagine his sexcapedes. It wasn’t limited to the laundry guy, it included the pizza delivery guy, the milk man. Oh yes the milk man, the puns in those were the funniest.

He reached home and realized he had forgotten to take the keys.  He knew his mother would be taking her afternoon nap at that time so he didn’t ring the doorbell. He instead range his neighbor’s doorbell. A kindly lady opened the door. Rishabh smiled and asked for the spare key.

“What happened? Your mother isn’t at home?”

‘No… She is at home. I just don’t want to disturb her sleep.”

“Oh. Aren’t you a real sweet kid. Your mother is lucky to have you. I’ve always told her that.”

RIshabh smiled awkwardly, saying nothing. At this point I think it is only fair that I paint a true picture of Rishabh’s intentions.

He was sure that his neighbor was a closeted cougar. He hoped to unlock the animal inside her. He didn’t quite know what gave her away. Maybe it was the smile she gave him at times or the fact that she dropped in whenever Rishabh was at home. He hadn’t noticed the second sign, it was his mom who told him this.

“Wait a second. I’ll get the keys and come. Do you want to sit in and have a glass of water?”

“Yes. Please.” RIshabh jumped at the opportunity.

Turned out, the neighbor had invited him just for a glass of water. He accepted his rejection this one time and decided to make a better impression on her the next time. He opened his door and got into the house.

His mother didn’t wake up as he took his food and flipped through channels trying to see something he liked. Afternoon was probably the worst time to switch on the TV. A line of boring stuff running to basically put you off to sleep. He played VH1 for a while.

He envied rock stars as much as he idolized them, or even porn stars for that matter. They managed to stay thin despite leading reckless lives. He had lived a normal life and was already growing a tummy. What bothered him further was the fact that the fat was growing from the wrong side. He had seen and heard that men grow paunches from the front while for women the fat grows from the sides. Rishabh was growing from the side. It bothered him more than it should have.

Eventually, he turned off the TV and went to sleep, when he woke up. He went and ate some snacks. It was one of the more important meals of the day in his schedule that was generally askew most of the time. Evening was the time the house was empty. His mother went for walks in the garden. This was the time for him to do his thing.

He set up the atmosphere. He went into the bathroom and pulled down his pants. He began to play music because the audio on the porn videos was a turn off. He started with ‘Blitzkreig Bop’ of the Ramones. He opened the porn site and had a variety to choose. He decided to step out of his normal choice of MILF or teen and decided to check something new. He chose bisexual.

The music continued playing, “They’re going through a tight wind…

The kids are losing their minds

The Blitzkrieg Bop”

He had mastered the art of completing the act as the song was getting over. Today he was surprised to find that he was ready for another round immeditately. He continued. This time he shut his eyes trying to imagine the scene happening in his head. The music changed to “I Wanna be Sedated”

“I can’t control my fingers… I can’t control my brain….

Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated”

But it didn’t feel right for Rishabh in his head, something was wrong. The movement was wrong. He opened his eyes in his mind and saw that he was the woman lying on the bed being done by 2 men who were kissing. He found himself unable to stop and he eventually came.

When he finally opened his eyes he was shocked. “What could that mean?” he said softly. “What… What the Fuck was that?”


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